I've been sleeping terribly lately, which I'm sure is the root cause of my antsy-ness. We love to talk about 'root causes' in the not-for-profit world. I think the word 'antsy-ness' is made up. It means ants-in-your-pants, only in your head.
I know that I've been sleeping badly. I wake up cranky, tired and tangled up in my sheets. If the sheets were even still on the bed.
Last night I woke myself up; waving my arm, hitting the rods of my iron bed. In my dream I was trying to get someone's attention by waving furiously at them. I woke up frustrated, hot and my hand hurt. At midnight. I'd only been asleep for an hour, after blowing off all Fat Tuesday plans. And standing Cara up, to help her hang her paintings for a show. So I was feeling guilty also.
Woo hoo, pity party at my house. At midnight.
When I woke up again at 3:00, I decided to take action.
I know that I'm feeling restless, cranky and antsy because I'm overwhelmed.
So overwhelmed that I'd done absolutely nothing.
I made a list of everything I need to do in the next week. Broke it down, in an attempt to shake off the paralysis of fear.
I realized it was just like cleaning the cow barn when I was a kid. Overwhelmed by all of the manure, avoiding the project-project is a nice word for what we insisted was torture, like it was, well, what is was- shovelling poop (I can never bring myself to say shit).
Once we actually grabbed the shovels and started scooping it wasn't so bad.
I've got my list.
Now I just need a shovel.