i can see clearly now....

...and that doesn't bode so well for some of you.

I hadn't had my eyes examined since I started college. And that was in the 70s. 1979 to be fair, but the 70s none the less.

About two months ago I started doing the long-arm routine and reading in bed became almost impossible. I was filling out my March Madness bracket at the Red Key when one of the customers who just happens to be an optometrist asked when the last time I had my eyes checked. I wrote his office number on my hand and called him the next day.

As it turns out, I couldn't see at a distance either. I went from zero to bifocals. Or "progressive lenses" as they call them these days.

I was in shock after the appointment and I didn't stick around to try on glasses - and I firmly believe that you shouldn't do that on your own anyway. Then I got busy helping mom with her move and ten days went by. I snuck away from work and Kristi met me to pick out frames. I realized I'm pretty darn opinionated about glasses. No funky color, no bling, no cutouts or anything fancy on the wings and no brand name in the side.

And I wanted to look smart. And hot. Double smarty hot.

Kristi was great - we plowed though several dozen frames. Yes, no, no, no, yes until we narrowed it down to two, then one.

I gave them a whole bunch of money and waited for over a week. I screeched into the office just five minutes before they closed on Friday.

Here's your glasses and a case and bye, have a good weekend!
Wait. I just want to sit with them for a minute, you know, check 'em out.
The best way to get used to them is to wear them. [Like in your car. Driving out of the parking lot. So we can go home.]

So I high-stepped out the door into the world. Whoa! That sidewalk is close!

I CAN SEE!
Hello world!

As I drove away from the doctor's office with my brand new specs it was like I'd never been outside before. I could see individual blades of grass not just a big blob of lawn. And those red octagonal signs say something!

I'm still smitten enough with my new vision that I lift them up to see the difference and giggle.

I'm not sure that I achieved the double hot part - more people have been noticing my new haircut and not the glasses. Or they're in the "if you can't say anything nice...." camp.

Some observations of my first week of wearing glasses:

- I know the glasses didn't cause these wrinkles but I sure can see 'em now. And everyone else's for that matter.
- The part of your head behind your ears is tender.
- I'm not a great housekeeper.
- When you look down objects are not as close as they appear. I've been comically high-stepping down stairs and knocking stuff over - mostly beer bottles on tables when I waitressing.
-  My house needs painted. Badly.
- You should take them off when using hairspray and a curling iron.

I had my first glasses related accident today. While wheeling out the recycling bin to the curb I looked down, misjudged the distance and stepped on a wheel. I was soon sliding down the driveway using the bin as a surf board and the glasses flew off of my head. Luckily they landed in the grass and only one neighbor witnessed the event.

All and all I'm thrilled with the glasses I just hope Dorothy Parker was was wrong - "men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses."